She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i dont even know how to be here
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize