Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
