ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
