I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
