I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
