I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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