Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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