Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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