just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
