Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
