i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
