i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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