i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
