you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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