i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
