I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize