I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize