It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I had to cum in my sink.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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