We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
