wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
