so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
