JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
