They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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