Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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