He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
