Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
