I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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