We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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