Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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