You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
