it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
