she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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