I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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