I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
