You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
