ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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