I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
