i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize