Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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