Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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