her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
