Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
