I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
