Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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