She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
