The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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