then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
