I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
