Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
