You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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