come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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