I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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