I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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