believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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