I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
