the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
