Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
