Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize