i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
