She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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