That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
