I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
