if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
