Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
