This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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